I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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