I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
