woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
