I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
