Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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