Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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