i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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