Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
