im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
