fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
