Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
