I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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