You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
