I think I died a long time ago.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
