Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
