I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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