I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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