Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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