Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
