I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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