I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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