Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
