Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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