Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
