you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
