Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
never play flip cup with pint glasses
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
