These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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