in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
