I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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