is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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