After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
