why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
