It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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