New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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