She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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