Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
