i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
