Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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