i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
