you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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