If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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