I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
