It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize