You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
