a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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