Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
