haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
