I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
