im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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