You're my little dorito
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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