From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
