I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
