So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
