I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize