it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
