Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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