i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
