I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
