I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think my moral compass just broke
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
