is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
