I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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