dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
