yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
