ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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