Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
