What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
