he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
