apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
