So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
