Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
